Well I have been neglecting to relaunch my blog. The plan is to introspect on my thoughts and ideas and plans. And of course post finished and old content that was lost years ago.

Lately I have had concerns about my mental health. In 2014, the girl of my dreams decided to see someone else and left me in the dust. What can I expect right? Regardless, after hearing her voice for years I broke down and attempted to contact her again, through a former friend. This was not a shining couple days in my life! I pleaded with her with various writings and ended up so upset I said a few things I did not mean, cycling through mixed emotions, OCD, GAD, panic, grief and loss I became angry for the first time. I made a threat and was placed into the hospital for treatment. The doctor agreed with my former retired doctor’s diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Citing that the fleeting emotional thoughts of sorrow from serial mass murdering killers have continued to do across this country. She explains the theorized “Super Ego” in me was so distraught and in need of justice, I had fleeting thoughts about the remote possibility that I may go about something like that. There are several other ideas about the cause and why, bullying is on top but of course a bullying conspiracy is sound in this case; however the mess that would be required for this to be true is outlandish and absurd for anyone to believe. Regardless, I was involuntarily hospitalized for about a week and a half and released with the approval of my doctor. This hospitalization although not due to violence was long coming I think. An effect I say in my days of people watching and thought toward myself and my place among others, being accused of violence and realistically looked into or investigated for being a psychopath (ASPD) most things were different. Compared to after what Nicole accused me of and knowing deep down kind of but not in the ability to correct my thinking and affirm to myself that I am not a psychopath was not possible. I struggled with the inability to keep myself from lying and not knowing the lies were not of me but of another, the hiding and false shame I felt in these times compiled over the years and finally came to a head. The shame, fear and other emotions were not understood and I lacked insight, which according to journals and my Psychiatrist insight into one’s disorder and thinking is a marker for control over ones psychotic symptoms. So in closing I have struggled with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features for most of my life, but did not become clinically diagnoses, self analyzed, and understood and managed for the rest of my life.

Regardless, I am back and my journals will lead to healthier life. Having situations where I was not in control may be next to write about.

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Filed under: Uncategorized - @ May 23, 2023 3:16 pm